Dream.

"When people usually think of dream they think about what they want, who they want to be with or just some nice fairy tale in their head. When they wake up from them they usually feel good.
Not me. I despise my dreams as much as the people I dream of in reality.
The truth is my dreams to me feel more like nightmares. I am always interested in why people dream, what they dream of etc. It's just a fascinating subject to learn about. Sadly, I couldn't do psychology in high school.
Anyway, the dreams I usually have are people I know, well, used to know. They are mainly of these three girls that at one point meant so much to me.Call it love or whatever you will but that't just it. Even though my feeling of love has drastically reduced into a near enough non existent thought in the far, far back corners of my mind, I guess that is the only thing you could have called it.

Though reality has taken vicious and cruel turns at making my life miserable in the social aspect as I feel now that I can rarely talk to people face to face, even on the computer is hard for me still, I find that life still throws at me the torture I call memories. Everyone will have memories of something they don't want to talk about it and it hurts them a lot to have that memory in their mind. I can live with the fact that my life has taken some turns that I never wanted it to but obviously it can't be helped. What really is torturous though is the fact that these memories have been in my mind for so long that they turn into my dreams.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a movie. I keep having horrible recurring dreams of these same girls. I guess to you it maybe sounds like I'm just whining about being rejected, but it's so much more than that. I don't really want to get into it but for some reason I feel as though I want to share this side of me to people. Maybe I can get some relateable people to understand how I am feeling.

When somebody does something nasty to you, deep down the main thing you want from them is an apology, some feeling of guilt. Guilt you can accept and try to move past or guilt that you can bask in. Mine is a sort of mix of the two. I would love for at least one of them to feel the slightest hint of remorse or sorrow for destroying a part of me. And that's exactly what my dream shows. In most of them, a girl does apologize. A deep heartfelt apology in a place only I know that will never exist in reality.
The harshest thing I have ever dreamed.
A fake apology."

                          -Dieter