Hidden feelings on Fishermans Horizon

Squal had walked far carrying the unconsious Rinoa on his back across Fishermans Horizon. He wondered when she would just wake up. If she would ever wake up. The only thing he wanted was for her to open her eyes and be herself again. To talk to him, tell him that everything is going to be ok like she had done for as long as she had known him. For the first time in his life he felt like he needed to be close to someone. Squall needed Rinoa. As the sun was setting on the horizon he placed Rinoa down on the bridge. Fishermans Horizon had never looked so beautiful. The orange and peach sky over a clear blue sea.
Squall sat down on the edge looking out at the sun before it sank away. He looked back at Rinoa and thought to himself how beautiful she was. In a way he had regretted the way he had treated her, the cold replies, the 'I wanna be alone' attitude. Squall looked back at the horizon, in an attempt to change the subject.

"I wonder what everyone is doing."

Squall left the Garden without saying goodbye to anybody. He even wondered if anybody would notice if he was gone. He knew that his paranoia gets the better of him most of the time and he blocks out the emotion of others no matter what their good intentions are.

"They're probably laughing at me. Or maybe they're angry?"

Looking down at the ocean below his feet he thought hard and long about what the others were doing at this moment. Did he do wrong by not saying goodbye? Always being on his own, Squall just found it natural to do things by himself and never felt the need to include others in his life decisions. But that was when he didn't have anybody who relied on him. Squall had made a few friends. People who he cared about deep down. Maybe he was just to stubborn to admit it. Squall looked back at Rinoa.

"What do you think?"

As he was met by silence, expected, he turned back to face the sun watching it hide behind the clouds that passed infront of him. The perfect metaphor for time. Squall waited a few seconds hoping so much for a reply but nothing was heard but the gulls in the air, the sea peacefully lapping under Fishermans Horizon and the calm wind briskly blowing by.

"To tell you the truth... I worry too much of what others think of me. I hate that side of me."

For the first time in Squalls life he had finally opened up to another person. Even though Rinoa was in an incredibly deep sleep, he just felt that he needed to tell her what he feels in this moment.

"That's why I didn't want anyone to get to know me. I wanted to hide that side of myself. I hate it"

With deep sighs breezing into the wind, Squall just said what he felt hoping that somehow she could hear him.

"Squall is an unfriendly, introverted guy. It made it easy for me when people percieved me that way."

As he let out his final words he turned to face Rinoa.

"That's a secret between you and me. Got that?"

Squall picked himself up and walked away from the edge and back to her. He placed his arms around her, picked her up and placed her on his back ready to continue on the long journey they had to take together. The sun continued to glow less and less as he began to walk across the bridge.

"Rinoa..."

UNREST

"I'll be the first one to admit that I'm here because of other people."

He shuffled around onto his side to face the blank wall trying to block out the openess of the world and block himself into an ever increasing claustrophobic lifestyle in his mind. No matter how much he tried to get away from people they were always there. He never did understand why people looked up to him. He stared at the blank, pale blue wall with such jealousy hoping that his mind could just relax into nothingness and get the peace he longed for. Everything that had happened to him had bought him closer to other people. For a moment he suddenly thought that it was a good thing, he got further in his life and was able to achieve so much more with others there. His eyes opened wider as he came to this sudden realisation that he knew all along. But that spark was no sooner put out as he rolled onto his back to face the ceiling.

"I'm fine by myself now. I have all the skills I need to survive. I'm not a child anymore."

He reluctantly spoke to himself as if to  prove his dominance in own chaotic mind. Such passion, such anger, such power. The words of a man lost in his own head, lost in his own memories, lost in his own will and lost in his own past. But even the strongest of men can't face up to the reality of life.

"That's a lie. I don't know anything. I'm confused."

He closed his eyes and moved his body to face the wall once more blocking out the room and blocking out the light. In his mind it was also such a dark place dark. Clouds and squalls blocked everything leaving him to stay at the one place in his mind. Time compression froze everything in his head to one point in his life. The past. The people he had met, the places he had been. The rain droplets plummeting their way to the ground that night wondering where 'Sis' had gone to. It was then that he told himself he was to be stronger. He would be like the wolf. Strong, brave and loyal. But the lonely way of the wolf came at a price.

"I don't want to depend one anyone. How do I do that?"

The same question was asked over and over again in his mind, stuck in a constant loop. Time compression. Each question he asked just led him to the same place. The power he had used over time in his life as he trained himself to become stronger placed a wall in his mind. The memories in his head had faded long ago without him even noticing. Was it that he had not cared for the people he was once close to? The wall blocked out the past in an effort to push him forward and be himself. Slowly but surely, the memories surfaced. Not through the wall crumbling, but by meeting those again who he had lost once before.

"Someone tell me..."

Time compression...

"Someone? So I'll be relying on someone after all..."

Nate's Note

"This was the beginning of a story I wrote in my first year of college. Since I didn't really get on well with most of the people in my class, or in college for that matter, everytime we had a break I always went to the library computers and wrote up whatever was on my mind. Since I still plan to continue this story someday, as I still have so many idea's in my mind about it, I will only share with you the intro I wrote for it.
To me this intro was going to be a powerful introduction. It lays down mystery, tradgedy, sadness and nostalgia to the character. If you want to get the full effect of what I was going for please listen to the song 'Everything you do is a Balloon' by Boards of Canada."
                        - Dieter


It’s weird how such small things from the past can have such a huge effect in the future. Something I never thought much of turned out to be the biggest thing in my life. Nothing had prepared me for it. Nothing even warned me. It all happened so fast. Life really gave me the wrong hand.
When I was eight, I remember a new kid came into my orphanage. He seemed different from everyone else. Something about him didn’t exactly stand out but made him blend in, in a weird way. No one seemed to notice him outside just being another kid. I noticed him as something completely different. You made this happen didn’t you? I kept to myself most of the time. I never really liked talking to people. They just complicated things and got in the way of my life, not that I had anything planned. I sort of drifted through life, just going with whatever happened. But now I guess that’s at an end. Should I have done something different? What could I have done?
That girl, I’m still not sure of who you are. I’ve seen your face. I’ve spoken to you. I’ve held you.I dont know even know your name but I want to see you. I've gone through so much because of you and I've never even met you. That’s why I have to do this. If someone find’s this. I’m not really sure why I wrote it. I guess I’m scared. –Nate.

Unifinished Story. Unfinished Art.

About three years ago I was watching a very famous anime called Death Note. I loved it so much I also saw that there were live action movies on it called Death Note and Death Note: The Last Name. It also had a third spin off movie called L: Change the WorLd.
Anyway, after watching them it filled me full of inspiration to write something new. While I did start writing a story about a young boy who kills people for justice and a cop who want's to catch him, it didn't get very far as I couldn't really think of much and it was obviously too similar to Death Note.
I drew a couple pieces of concept art for the characters though. A few of the drawing I really don't like and won't show but I have two that I did feel slightly proud of. Here they are.

This was to be the young boy who was tryign to hand out justice to  the 'evil'.  It looks as though I started to add some colour to it but just never got round to finishing it. It has some kind of artistic feel to the three red stripes though which I like quite a lot.

The only other picture I liked that I drew for this story. (I realize that the boy's face isn't exactly halfed and he is facing a different angle.) The man with cyan hair was to be the cop who would be in charge of the case. I took inspiration from Resident Evil's Leon. S. Kennedy as you can maybe tell by the jacket.

The Game of Emotion

About three days ago I completed a computer game I got. It was a very, very sad story with plot twist's you could never see coming, characters you grew to love and care about and just hoping that whatever you did all the group would make it to the end. I'm talking, of course, about The Walking Dead.

Apart from the Shadow Moses return in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, The Walking Dead is the only other game to actually make me cry and feel something towards these characters. Differing from other zombie games this one was mainly story driven and Telltale Games, the creators, actually set out with a sole purpose to make you upset.

Three days later and I'm still thinking about the survivours and their heroic deeds. Kenny's sacrifice, Carley's untimely shock death, which I actually spent a couple days upset over her, Ben in the belltower and of course Lee's determination to get Clementine back from the Stranger. Even finding chuck in the sewer made me sad knowing he also gave his life for the group when he barely even knew them a day. The main thing I found so remarkable about these characters is that each one of them has a personality, a backstory and determination to get to a goal. It's strange that even though you play as a murderer, you still want him to make it. It would have been much different that if Lee killed the guy after the outbreak but no, it was weeks before. His truly good side shows when he is tasked with looking after little eight year old Clementine after she rescues you from a walker.

From that point on after she saved Lee's life, I felt as if I had to keep this girl safe. Even though the story obviously made you do that anyway, I always tried to keep her happy. In episode three, Long Road Ahead, we lose many of our beloved characters. Carley/Doug, Lilly, Katja. But the most shocking one of all of them was Kenny Jr (Duck). In not one single video game have I ever seen a child die let alone giving me the choice to pull the trigger so his father doesn't have to kill his only son after he was bitten. From this point on I tried to keep Clementine as safe as I could knowing that if they could kill Duck like that then there is nothing to say that Clementine would survive.

I am writing this because I just want to say that this game is a work of art. Thank you Robert Kirkman, Charlie Adlard, Tony Moore and everybody at Telltale who worked on this game. You have truly created what you set out to do.. An amazingly written story driven by sheer will to survive in a world that no longer cares for the living. This is exactly the kind of writing that I hope to one day produce. This is what I live for, this is my inspiration. Season two, I await you with great hope.

To all of those who were lost in Lee's group, rest in peace.

The Japanese Play

"To go with the topic of dreams my previous posts have been about, I figured I would share one with you which I had almost two years ago. It's not my best work at writing as I quickly tried to get it all down as soon as I had woken up from it. Honestly speaking, this dream scared the hell out of me. Even though the way they die is something so stupid it is on par with comical, everything leading up to it was weird, mysterious and just psychologically frightening."
                                                                          - Dieter

THE JAPANESE PLAY

I was in a celebration, like a small play but I was just watching from the back. It must have been a rehearsal of some sort because it seemed like I was the only one there. The lead in the play was a beautiful Japanese woman dressed in a gorgeous geisha dress which was red and had shiny silver sequins in amazing patterns. Her face had white make up all over, rose red lipstick and black eyeliner. Her hair was long and black and done up in the tradition Japanese Kabuki style. She was beautiful.
She sat in a seat against the back wall of the stage under different colored spotlights. the other actors came out who were dressed as Japanese soldiers outfits. They only stood out on the stage for about five seconds before leaving out a doorway covered in strips of clear plastic sheeting. I walked over to the small roomed stage and looked at the woman in the chair. I smiled at her as if to say 'good luck with all my heart.' She smiled back as if to say 'I love you.' From here I could tell that we were in love.
As I walked towards the door about five or six people pushed past me who looked like they were drunk or just really hyperactive. They went to the stage and started dancing under the spotlights. After a few seconds a rising, painful, high-pitch note came out of nowhere and the people suddenly exploded into small amounts of glitter one by one. The girl and I stared as they disappeared into glitter and landed slowly on the floor. I walked back to the other side of the stage where I was before. The girl got up out of the chair and followed me back.
Next to me I saw a glowing multicolored puddle on the floor. Circled around it was a group of people all holding champaign glasses trying to scrape up the remains of what was left and drinking all they could. Afterwards the hype started again and they got up and started to dance under the spotlights. The familiar, painful sound started up again as they burst into glitter one by one.

The next part was like I had some kind of black out because all I remember next was I was smiling and laughing and was holding the Japanese lady on my back as I ran around the room. It was at this time I felt truly in love and extremely happy with her. the memories of those people dying just didn't seem to register to me at that time, like I didn't care.  I never wanted thigns to change between us, As we were messing about and holding each other in the floor a couple ran past us, a middle aged English man and a young Asian woman both dressed in business suits. We for some reason ignored them both as we were too excited and happy to care about whats happening in the rest of the world.
We got back to the small stage room with the glowing puddle to find the Englishman knelt down by it holding a half full champaign glass with the strange liquid dripping off of it and his hand. I viciously asked if he had drank any, like my memories of the deaths had somehow come back and I was trying to prevent it like some kind of hero. He scaredly replied with and insistent no. In my mind, I knew he was lying. The scared look in his eyes like he just realized he did something wrong but was too afraid to admit to it. I didn't bother with him anymore as his wife came in looking worried and held onto his arm asking if he had drank any.
My girlfriend looked worried as we held each other.
The man worriedly said things were fine and that we had to get out of here. He got up and looked at the spotlights. That same scared look appeared in his eyes once again. At that moment I knew that that man wouldn't be leaving with us. As much as I didn't want it to happen I couldn't have done anything to prevent it. It was inevitable.

The man walked slowly towards the stage. He looked worried but tried so hard to hide it. He looked at this wife, at us, then back to his wife. She gave him a look of pure fear. On the stage he put one foot on and tried to edge his way around avoiding the lights. Across the stage was the only way out. From his eyes I could see he was on the edge of despair  ready to just give up and run. Eventually he made it across to the other side seemingly unharmed. As he walked towards the back door a sigh of relief was heard and a smile cracked on his face. The girl and the lady both looked shocked and happy that he had made it across. My emotions didn't change at all as I closed my eyes and the saddening, deadly note was played. As the the man was half way through the back door, he disappeared. The woman in red held me tighter, scared. But the business woman just stared at the door horrified.

Exiting a Past Friendship

"This is a dream I had about one of those girls. My most recent one was actually this morning which I guess is what is making me so miserable today. Anyway, as soon as I had the dream I wrote it down, as I usually do with my dreams, and I figured I would let you see it for some reason. I guess I just want others to know my thoughts and try to understand me a little. Ironically, I'm not friends with the people I knew from college now."
                                                                   - Dieter

Exiting a Past Friendship.

I was walking with some people I knew. Just two people from college. It was a guy who I guess I was OK friends with, we helped each other out with projects and such but never hung out after college or spoke outside. Also there was his girlfriend who I had spoke to once or twice but I wouldn't say she was a friend. More an aquaintence.
So the three of us were just walking out of some building with a large open door in front of us, the sun shining through but on a murky day. There was a few other people who were walling in and out of the door but I didn't recognize any of them. But suddenly I did notice one girl who I knew instantly. The girl who had plagued my life as well as my dreams for years and years to come I fear. The name I will never forget in my life.
She walked towards me and I made eye contact. Something about me knew that she would try talk to me. She had a slight smile on. Nothing smarmy, more of glad.
In my mind I tried to figure out what I would do. Would I talk to her and try make things much better? Or would I ignore her? The seconds were counting down very fast I couldn't think clearly and I was getting frustrated in my mind until it came. The moment of my decision was now.
As she walked past me I felt her hand grab hold of my arm softly. I felt my eyes open wide in confusion and shock. In a moment of panic or sudden realization I just quickly flicked my arm up knocking her away. I didn't look back at her and just kept walking. Did I do that because it's all over? Does this mean that I'm really over her? If so, why was I dreaming about her out of the blue when I hadn't thought about her in so long.
As I woke up and thought about it, I felt miserable. Just like every time I dream about her.